No ones perfect

Lately I have acted like I should not have. I was with my boyfriend for 2 years. He went into the army and it changed him. When he came home for leave he would want to be physical, but would ignore me when I left. I found out he was texting a girl from his basic. Sending pictures of him shirtless and talking with her until 5 am after hanging up with me around 1 or 2 am saying he needed sleep. He was calling her cute and despite all of this I decided to give him a second chance. He had told me he was hearing rumors about me that I was cheating and I told him next time he just needed to talk to me. My boyfriend and I have been best friends for 8 years, 2 of which we’ve been dating. I was planning to marry him, trying to figure out dates everything else was planned, and this whole cheating thing had me so thrown for a loop. I couldn’t talk to him either because he was back to AIT with no phone, so I couldn’t talk to him about how much pain I was in. I was questioning whether or not this relationship was right for me anymore because I never expected my best friend to do this to me. I’m so young I thought, is this worth it? While I was debating this I starting confiding in a guy from work and he invited me to a party. I knew I should not have gone while I was so angry at my boyfriend but I did and I ended up making out with this guy. I regretted it immediately ended things with that guy and let him know that we were just friends and that I wanted to be with my boyfriend. I felt so horrible but I was afraid if I told him that he’d leave me. A couple weeks later I went out of state attended his graduation and everything was magical. We started to feel the way things used to be, we were thinking about each other again and having fun together. I didn’t know after he cheated I could feel that way with him again. Then everything about me making out with that guy came out and he broke things off. I thought that maybe since I gave him a second chance he would give me one but he didn’t and now things are over. No one has ever made me feel so loved as he did and I’m so scared that maybe I never will. He’s not just my boyfriend he’s truly my best friend and I’ve lost both because I couldn’t deal with my emotions right. I wish I could explain to him that I would never make this mistake again and I only ever want to be with him. I wish I could change his mind, but I know it’s hard for him to believe anything I say right now. I really believe that he’s my soulmate and the one I’m meant to be with so maybe one day the world will bring us back together. He’s going over seas in a week and I just want to see him. I know I messed up but we both made mistakes and I wish he saw the potential we have like I do. I’m heartbroken but I hope that he can find happiness where he’s going and I hope that he always remembers what he have. I will always love him no matter what.

Trust

Trying to find trust after cheating is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. At first I was so angry I thought for sure I would leave, but that’s easy to say when he’s away. Now that’s I’ve spent the last week with him, talking through everything it’s like I feel hope again. I believe he just made one mistake and I believe we can do this. But now that I’m sitting here alone again while he’s with our friends I’m terrified that maybe I was wrong. It’s terrifying to think that we have no control over others that we just have to put our faith and effort out there and hope for the best, and that we never truly know what they’re capable of. What I know is that I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone and that I’m terrified, but I guess that’s love.

Plastic surgery

I think that plastic surgery is so weird, not judging. Like people can do whatever they want if that’s what makes them feel good, but like I’m terrified of even like breaking a bone and needing surgery. Like those people voluntarily decide to let someone cut into them, that’s a whole other level of trust I can’t imagine having. I don’t even trust myself that I locked the door I have to double check and then there’s people out here trusting a whole other human being to cut into your body and change it!

Amber

Dear Amber,

Hello, this is Rosie. I don’t know if you remember me or not, but there is no way I could ever forget you. I am the girl from your neighborhood that you took advantage of. I was four years old, how could you do that to me? You told me it was just a game, that as long as I played along and did not tell my parents I could hang out with you. I looked up to you, I trusted you and you took advantage of a child. Why? You’re the reason I am terrified to be touched, why I was labeled a prude because I couldn’t allow anyone to touch me. You’re the reason I cry at night and why I have trouble trusting people. I know that you’re never going to read this and I know that you probably don’t even care. But I wonder how many other girls you’ve scarred. I wonder if I had known what you were doing if I could have stopped you. I’ve spent years being angry with you. I’ve spent years hating you and myself. You made me feel damaged, you made me scared. I refuse to be scared by you anymore, and I refuse to let this anger control my life. I wrote this letter to let you know that what you did was horrible, but I don’t hate you anymore. I love the person I have become and what you did to me does not define me. I am free of you and no longer does anything I do happen because of you or my hate. I am finally free. Goodbye Amber.

Love,

Rosie

Bath Thoughts

Today while I was sitting in my bath, my face half numb from dental work, I decided I wanted to create something. So I decided to write,

When I was a little girl I had these crazy dreams,

Then I grew up and realized the world ain’t as it seems,

I thought that all dreams came true, but they don’t.

 I had to learn that to be successful,

You have to be smart, you have to think logically,

Cause fairytales and happy endings aren’t always meant to be.

I found out the hard way that love isn’t as easy as the movies made me believe,

They take real hard work and they take real love.

There is fighting, and crying, and fights taken too far.

I learned the hard way that you have to apologize and I learned the hard way sometimes you need time apart.